How Could I?

Night has never seemed so dark. Bleakness has a new meaning; it is the state of my soul this morning. This Passover must go down in my history as the worst ever! I wonder if I will ever again enjoy this sacred feast, suddenly it has lost all meaning for me.


I can’t face my friends anymore, nor indeed my own dear wife. Especially not my wife. She held the Teacher in such high esteem! She knew He was who He said He was, she accepted it without question and proclaimed it whenever she gathered with the women at the well to fetch water. She never argued with them, never felt the need to explain, but she knew and she had proof. Proof that no one could argue with. She was convinced even before that memorable day that He had stopped by for dinner and her mother’s fever was at an all time high.


That fever had a story behind it. It had a life of its own, it came and went as it pleased and it was usually most pleased when it could cause Peter the most embarrassment. He knew she was proud of his position as one of the esteemed followers of the Teacher and though she never said much, everyone in her circle knew of it. Whenever any of the women asked why her husband was no longer carrying on with his once thriving fishing business, she was quick to let them know that he was now in a higher line of business. “He’s fishing for the souls of men.” She would proudly respond. And when they asked her what that meant she would simply shake her head and say, “you wouldn’t understand but my husband works directly with the Teacher now.”


And now I am faced with the prospect of telling her that I had denied knowing the Lord! How could I? What had come over me? But worse yet, she probably knew already. Bad news had a way of travelling through Jerusalem at the speed of light.


I had better avoid the house for a couple of days; I will go to John’s house, his wife is a lot more respectful and even if she’s thinking the same things, she will not voice them..




What is it with these crazy women and their senseless rumours? The Lord is not there? He is risen? From where to where? All these thoughts ran through my head as I raced towards the tomb, faster than I ever thought I had the capacity to run. Then I got to the tomb and He was not there, He was gone, like the women said, gone like He had told us countless times, not dead, risen, alive. And now I know just how big a crime I committed three days ago; the One I denied knowing was truly the Son of God, nay, He was God Himself, in human flesh and I had been priviledged to be in His inner circle.


“Oh God have mercy on me!” I must go into the city and look for the others.I will go with John and search till we find the Master. He will have mercy on me, He has said it before that anyone who comes to him, He will not cast out; I will go to Him and confess my sins, I know He will pardon me..


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